Congress recently convened a capitol hill committee contemplating the commencement of coworker conflicts.

The conclusion? A clear causation of cramped cubicles and their excruciating effects on employment exists.

“Clustering company colleagues in confined cohabitation” remarks Representative Ryan Reynolds, “clearly carries the capacity for confrontational carnage.”

“Everyone used to love our jobs” Rhonda Rage reports, “we elatedly enjoyed expansive ergonomics as an essential element of our employment environment.”

“But lately, we have been wedged in our workstations without wiggle room. As white collar wage-earners, we worry about our workplace well-being.”

Remarkably, even the relatively relaxing routine of retrieving refreshments has been ruined. Raucous rabble-rousers, replete with rage, regularly rally against those seeking a momentary respite from responsibilities.

While workers willingly wage war, emotionless employers continue to exploit employee’s eagerness to espouse any available employment opportunity.

People will persistently put up with a preposterous precedence if it provides a promise of a predictable payday.

Until this changes, those in charge will continue to callously control key conditions critical for coworker comfort.